1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is " Charles" . Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother' s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK' s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually " Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise, " and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of " beard" . Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, " Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying " booya" .

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris' s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, " Don' t worry about it honey, " and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, " Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you' re thinking to yourself, " That' s impossible, I already lost my virginity." , then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is " his" way.

16. One day a blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris turned to the man and asked him if he knew who he was. The blind man shook his head telling Chuck he did not. Chuck Norris then yelled his name. The blind man was instantly cured of his blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing he ever saw was a round house kick to his face.

17. Chuck Norris' wife once asked him " How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?" Chuck Norris then ripped out his wifes throat. Holding her bloody throat he yelled " How dare you rhyme in my presence!" He then tossed her throat aside and said " DON' T FUCK WITH CHUCK!" . Two years and five months later Chuck Norris realized the irony of his statement and laughed so loud that every one in a hundred mile radius went deaf.

18. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn' t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

20. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

21. Chcuk Norris got a perfect score on his SAT' s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

22. Aliens do exist. They' re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

23. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

24. To prove it isn' t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

25. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

26. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can' t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

27. Chuck Norris doesn' t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

28. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

29. On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck’s magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy’s womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?” All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. “I didn’t fucking think so!” shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck’s balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, “Don’t ever waste my time again.”

30. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O' Brien' s lever that shows clips from " Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan' s wife.

31. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

32. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

33. Chuck Norris used to be an All-American baseball player in college. He was banned however from Major League Baseball when it became known that his blood is actually a steroid.

34. Chuck Norris won ' Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.