30 things you may not know about Chuck Norris

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is " Charles" . Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother' s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK' s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually " Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise, " and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of " beard" . Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, " Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying " booya" .

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris' s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, " Don' t worry about it honey, " and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, " Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you' re thinking to yourself, " That' s impossible, I already lost my virginity." , then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is " his" way.

16. One day a blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris turned to the man and asked him if he knew who he was. The blind man shook his head telling Chuck he did not. Chuck Norris then yelled his name. The blind man was instantly cured of his blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing he ever saw was a round house kick to his face.

17. Chuck Norris' wife once asked him " How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?" Chuck Norris then ripped out his wifes throat. Holding her bloody throat he yelled " How dare you rhyme in my presence!" He then tossed her throat aside and said " DON' T FUCK WITH CHUCK!" . Two years and five months later Chuck Norris realized the irony of his statement and laughed so loud that every one in a hundred mile radius went deaf.

18. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn' t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

20. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

21. Chcuk Norris got a perfect score on his SAT' s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

22. Aliens do exist. They' re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

23. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

24. To prove it isn' t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

25. Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

26. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can' t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

27. Chuck Norris doesn' t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

28. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

29. On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck’s magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy’s womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, “Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?” All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. “I didn’t fucking think so!” shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck’s balls. Chuck pulled out, roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, “Don’t ever waste my time again.”

30. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O' Brien' s lever that shows clips from " Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan' s wife.

31. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

32. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

33. Chuck Norris used to be an All-American baseball player in college. He was banned however from Major League Baseball when it became known that his blood is actually a steroid.

34. Chuck Norris won ' Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

LOLOL! Fabulous!

Sadly for Chuck I was never much a fan of his, in fact, for years my favorite Chuck Norris moment was him dying at the hands of Bruce Lee.




On the flipside I did kinda develop a small appreciation for the Chuckster in Walker Texas Ranger.

Terry Bogard - currently the most Unhelpful member of the Kikizo forums.

You so stole my post from VIP!!!

XBL Gamertag: Rampage99

" Basically, pollute the air all you want, your just speeding up the inevitable. Our future generations are f*cked as it is and there' s really nothing we can do about it. Have a nice day "

ROFLOL that was hilarious lotusson that definetly made my day today.

You so stole my post from VIP!!!

You gotta be quicker on the draw.

Hilarious!!

#35

Sometimes Chuck Norris shows up playing Counter Strike in a small town called Undløse in Denmark, where he only uses Desert Eagle as a weapon, and he always looses

Chuck Norris seems to be popular with the rest of the sites. Awesome.

More unknown facts about Chuck Norris:

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to " Fucking."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson' s disease.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn' t was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose' s shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn' t lifting himself up, he' s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris puts the m' s on M&Ms.

Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world

Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.

Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won' t find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it' s getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

Chuck Norris can believe it' s not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in " Total Recall" .

Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

Chuck Norris doesn' t need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won' t trade any of them for anything.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paralympics.

Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can " accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris doesn' t understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you look in a mirror and say " Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, " Full House" . He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.

When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, " Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn' t afraid of small children.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas

A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.

Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…

It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it

Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.

Hilarious and true great stuff Mass X.

I laughed out loud once while reading that! Good stuff, maynard!

Yeh I stumbled across this a few years ago, does anyone know who actually started the list?

number 20 and 32 are brilliant.

I killed Chuck Norris once...

...true story!

I' ve heard that guys playing WoW are sick with this :)

Chuck Norris addresses the people on these facts..
Find out if they' re true or not!

http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/19060/The_Chuck_Norris_Facts.aspx

...... Who the heck is Chuck Norris?

Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

Viva La Revolution! erm, I mean Viva La Wii!

http://www.chucknorris.com/

.... Who the heck is Chuck Norris?

Someone who got OWNED by Bruce Lee, that' s all you need to know

Terry Bogard - currently the most Unhelpful member of the Kikizo forums.

oh! in the fight in the coliseum at the end of way of the dragon. I think I know him now. buts that must be the only film i know he is in, or rather, heard of.

Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

Viva La Revolution! erm, I mean Viva La Wii!

Bruce Lee is probably the only guy who could get any world class martial arts champions to appear in his movies, simply because they found him intriguingly skilled.

heheh its 4am and im watching a Total Gym Infomercial. Uh oh look its Wesley Snipes telling a story about his first experience with Total Gym, did you know he almost threw his out cause he didnt think itd work!

O shit yo, some muslce bound dude came up to Chuck saying he doesnt think it work (must be Silentbomber cause he dont know who Chuck is either!) Anyway Chuck made a believer out of him, and he didnt even need to use a roundhouse kick neither!