Joke Thread

All Jokes can be posted here. They can be cheesey, non-cheesey or just plain stupid.

I' ll start us off.

Two men are walking in a forest hunting on a sunday afternoon. Then suddenly, one man breaks out in a fit. His eyes bulge, froth pours out of his mouth, he falls over and shakes violently on the floor. So, the other man rings the doctor.

He says to the doc, ' Help! My friend has just broken out into a strange fever fit thing! Help! What should I do?'

The doctor replies, ' Ok ok, calm down. We' ll get through this. Ok, first things first. Is he dead?'

The man goes, ' Hang on, I' ll check.' He puts the phone on the side, walks over and shoots his friend in the head, picks up the phone and replies, ' Ok, now what?'

This guy was walking down the beach and there was this lady that was sitting in a chair balling her eyes out. The man walks up to her and asks, " What' s wrong? Why are you crying?" The lady replies, " Well a woman in my position i haven' t ever been hugged before." Well the man thinks to himself, well i can just give her a hug, so he gives her a hug and proceeds on with his walking along the beach.

The woman starts crying even MORE hysterically and catches the mans attention before he gets to far away. The man turns around and says to the women, " Why are you crying again? I gave you a hug." Well the lady says, " A woman in my position hasn' t ever been kissed before." So he thinks to himself again, maybe if i just give her a kiss and walk away she wont cry anymore. So he gives her a kiss and walks away very quickly.

The lady SCREAMS and cries like crazy. He comes back and says, " What the hell is wrong? I gave you a hug and a kiss!" She says, " Well a woman in my position hasn' t ever been fucked before." The man picks the lady up and throws her in the water and yells, " NOW YOU' RE FUCKED!" and walks away.

Ummmm.....ummmm.... why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!!!!!! OMGROFLLMAO Im so FUNNY!!!!

It' s been 6 years & we still haven' t found Osama. Talk about a joke.

Seriously though? My jokes tend to be a little NSFW, so highlight at your own risk.
Jane & Jim had " trouble" in the sack, so they decide to visit a marriage counselor. After an hour of counselling he finally asks them what they want HIM to do.

" Our love life just seems so dull as of late doctor? Can you prescribe any magical videos or pills to help us out?"

" No" replies the doctor, " but I can give you this advice. On the way home, go to the grocery store & buy a bag of grapes & a box of donuts. Jane," he continues, " every donut you can ring around Jim' s **** you have to eat. And Jim, every grape you land in her ****** you have to eat.

A week goes by & their love life is better than ever. So much so that they tell Chris & Christine. Chris & Christine by chance are also having trouble with their love life, so they visit the same doctor, and undergo the same questions. At the end of the session, the doctor says " I' m sorry folks, there' s just nothing I can do for you."

Chris says " But doctor! You did wonders for Jane & Jim, whatever it was! The doctor pauses for a moment, & finally says. " Okay, on your way home, I want you to buy a sack of apples & a box of Cheerios.

How many Guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

16, One to screw it in, and 15 to say they could do it better.

Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.

Viva La Revolution! erm, I mean Viva La Wii!

Please bear in mind these jokes are not aimed to be racist or stereotype in any manner. the_shadowwolf wishes to advise that these expressions are not representative of the)shadowwolf.

What do you call an Indian man who fell 10 feet in the air?
Buddop- Singh

What goes at 105 miles per hour?
A Somalian with a BBQ ticket.

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, " OK, I' m in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, " Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.

" Whew," says the leopard. " That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, " Here monkey, hop on my back and see what' s going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, " What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn' t seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says...

" Where' s that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

A Scotish couple decided to go to Lanzarote to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Scotland and flew to Lanzarote on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile...somewhere in Winchester .. a widow had just returned home from her husband' s funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the message, she screamed and then fainted.
The widow' s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love, I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS .. Sure is freaking hot down here!

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A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

" Hey, bitch, " says the parrot, " bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

" Goddammit, you lazy whore, where' s my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot' s drink.

Impressed with the parrot' s technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

" Hey, slut, " says the man, " get me a dry martini. And don' t drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! "

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, " Ya know, for someone who can' t fly, you got a lotta balls."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, " Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, " Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, " Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I' ve got." The bartender says, " What' ve you got?" The guy says, " 75 cents."

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A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

" What' s the matter?" he asks.

" I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

He asks: " What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"

She responds: " I can' t see my ass coming into work today."

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Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and all the DNA' s the same!

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A guy walks into the psychologist' s office wearing only shorts made from Saran wrap. The psychologist looks at him and says, " Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

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Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, " Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, " OK, I' m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I' ll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, " Where did you get that, Jed?"

" Steve' s wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

" That' s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly" , Jed says. " When she answered the door, I said to her, ' You must be Steve' s widow' ."

She said, " No, I' m not a widow!"

And I said, " I' ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, " As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you' ve wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, " Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, " Would you like to do it again?" " Oh, yes let' s," she replies! " But let' s change positions. This time, I' ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.

No joke would be complete with a blond joke:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

" Is it mine?"

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

No joke would be complete with a blond joke:

A brunette is driving down the road one day and she sees a farm. She asks the farmer if she can count all his sheep, then would he give one to her, and he says yes. Two days later she walks up to him and says, " you have 23 sheep, so im taking one." , but as shes walking off the farmer says " If i can guess your natural hair color, can i have my dog back?"

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: " I should be in charge, because I run all the body' s systems, so without me nothing would happen."

" I should be in charge," said the heart, " because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you' d all waste away."

" I should be in charge," said the stomach, " because I process food and give all of you energy."

" I should be in charge," said the rectum, " because I' m responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don' t have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

A man walks into the butchers, points to two pieces up meat up on a shelf behind the butcher, and says " Bet you £50 you can' t reach those" .

" No way," says the butcher " The stakes are too high"



What is E.T. short for?
He' s got wee legs.



What' s the difference between Elvis Presley and Walt Disney?
Elvis sings and Walt Disney

***flyingsaucersdisguisedasmushrooms***
***mushroomsinvadingfromouterspace***

So an old irish woman walks into a doctors office, and requests a meeting with a physician. The physician steps in, and she begins to tell him of her husband' s libido problem. The doctor asks " well... is he taking Viagra" . The Irish woman responds " the man won' t even take Asprin" . So the doctor sits for a moment, and finally comes to a conclusion. He tells the woman to, " try what' s called an Irish Viagra" . The woman immediately asks what an Irish Viagra is. The doctor replies, " well ma' am, it' s as simple as slipping this Viagra into his morning coffee, it' ll dissolve before he even notices it.

The woman takes the pills & returns a week later looking mortified.

The doctor then asks her " what' s the matter?" . The old woman replies " the Irish Viagra" . The doctor says " well did it work?" . " Yes" , replied the woman, " It worked magnificently. The minute he took his coffe a fire lit up in his eyes, he swept the cups off of the table, pushed me up on the table and made sweet passionate love to me right then and there." The doctor then asks " so what.... was the sex not good?"

The woman replies " No no, dearie. The sex was the most wonderful I' ve had in nigh on twenty years, but as true as you stand before me today, I' ll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again."

Oh, C' mon, someone has to have another joke

http://www.jewsdidwtc.com/

You might have heard this one before, personal fav. of mine.

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

" This is a nice place. I' ve never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
" Oh, really?" the other replies. " It is a nice place. It' s also a very special bar."
" Why is that?" the first guy asks. " Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That' s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I' m sitting on was on the Titanic."
" Gee, that' s amazing!" says the first guy.
" Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you' ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you' re pushed back up."
" No way! That' s impossible," the guy scoffs.
" Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. " See? It' s fun. You should try it," he says.
" Try it? I don' t even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
" It' s easy. Watch, I' ll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. " Give it a try. It' s a blast," he says.
" Well, what the heck, I' ll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, " You know, Superman, you' re a real jerk when you' re drunk."

" What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things."
~ Unknown ~

... Erm... Bump...

A young woman said to her doctor, " You have to help me, I hurt all over."
" What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, " Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, " Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. " Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, " Are you a natural blonde?"
" Why yes," she said.
" I thought so," said the doctor... " You have a sprained finger."

Irish Viagra

LOL I never heard of an Irish viagra before LOL








Where was Jim when the lights went out?....................................In the Dark!! ahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahah

Who' s the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultra-sound guy.

***flyingsaucersdisguisedasmushrooms***
***mushroomsinvadingfromouterspace***

A woman once told me, " I need 12inches, and make it hurt!"
So I f***ed her twice and punched her in the mouth.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms!

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms!

Was that an actual joke or did you make that up yourself?

Should I be worried that one of my testicles is bigger than the other two?

Was that an actual joke or did you make that up yourself?

I made it up.

I made it up.

Thought so

That is the only one ive laughed at so far!!!

Anyway a man went into the butchers and said to the butcher
" Wheres your assistant gone?"
" I had to fire him"
" Why?"
" He was putting his d*ck in the bacon slicer"
" What happened to the bacon slicer?"
" I fired her as well"