JOKES

DUSTY UNDERWEAR


One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

" What the f*%#?" he said to himself as a little " dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

" April," he hollered into the bathroom, " why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: " It' s not talcum powder. It' s ' Miracle Grow' ."





There was this drunk who said to the bartender, " I want a woman!" , so
the bartender gave him directions to a place.

The drunk was so messed up that he couldn' t remember where the
bartender told him to go. So he accidentally walks into a Foot Doctor' s
office.

The lady at the counter asks, " Can I help you?"

The Drunk says, " Yes, I want some service."

So the lady replies, " Go in the other room and put it on the table."

So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.

The lady comes in and says, " That' s not a foot!"

The drunk replies, " Give it time, lady, give it time."

LOL! Great Jokes Sharon.

I never knew you had it in you, Sharon!

This makes two threads that you' ve successfully started and made me (& others) laugh aloud...

Great going, Sharon!!!

Videogaming is the contemporary interactive pasttime.

Thanks. I' ve noticed lately that people are getting too damn serious and abrasive, so I thought I' d lighten things up a bit.

Here' s to all you smokers out there.

those are some great jokesyou made my day

<img src=" http://tinypic.com/1ij49v" >

Subject: Late for Work

While she was " flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, " What' s your hurry?"

To which she replied, " I' m late for work."

" Oh yeah," said the cop, " what do you do?"

" I' m a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, " A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
stretcher do?"

" Well," she said, " I start by inserting one finger,then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly, but surely, stretch it until it' s about 6 feet wide."

" And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

" You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

> > >Traffic Ticket: $105.00
> > >Court Costs: $45.00
> > >Look on Cop' s Face: PRICELESS

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen she dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, " What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies " Well your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

" You' re wasting your time, " said the boy.

" Why is that" ? asked his mom, puzzled.

" Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Too dirty? Meh warn me later.

---

---

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn' t have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.
" I sure do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

" Wow!" said his friend, " Where did you get that monster lighter?"

" I got it from my genie."
" You have a genie?"
" Yes, right here in my golf bag."
" Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.
The friend asks the genie, " Since, I' m a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?"
" Yes I will' " the genie replies.
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, " I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

He answers," I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

---

---

A man walked into a quiet bar

He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm.
He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.
He had a few drinks and chatted with the bartender.
The bartender was experienced and had learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he didn' t mention the ducks.
They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom.
He left the ducks there on the bar.
The bartender was alone with the ducks.
There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.
The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.
" Say, what' s your name?" he asked the first duck.
" Huey," replied the first duck.
" How' s your day been, Huey?"
" Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" commented the duck.
" Oh. That' s nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, " Hi. And what' s your name?"
" Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
" So how' s your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
" Great. Lovely day. I had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again!" said the duck in reply.
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, " So, you must be Louie!?"
" No," growls the third duck, " my name is Puddles. And don' t even ask what kind of day I' ve had!"

< Message edited by Mass X -- 2 Oct 05 10:23:39 >

and there you go

Love that one!

When name-calling is okay:

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, " You know, I' m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I' ll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it' s a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

" Logic?" Jim says. " What' s that?"

The dean says, " I' ll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

" Yeah."

" Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

" That' s true, I do have a yard."

" I' m not done," the dean says. " Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

" Yes, I do have a house."

" And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

" I have a family."

" I' m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

" Yes, I do have a wife."

" And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

" I am a heterosexual. That' s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean' s hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

" Logic?" Bob says, " What' s that?"

Jim says, " I' ll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

" No."

" Then you' re gay."

"If you knew how good I am you would think I'm modest."

Onions and Christmas trees


A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, " Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, " Well, son, there' s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman' s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears - still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
" Onions?"
" Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, " Mom, how many
kinds of ' willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, " Well dear, a man goes through
three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch - flexible, but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
A Christmas tree?
" Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Son walks in on his parents going at it and he asks " Dad, what r u doin?"
" I' m playing poker son and your mom is my wildcard" and the son leaves.
The next day dad walks into the washroom to find his son wacking off so he says:
" What r you doing son?" - " Playing poker dad" - " Where' s ur wildcard?" dad asks surprised. " What do I need a wildcard for when I got a hand like this!" says his son by showing his hand. (maybe a bit too dirty, donno...)

- If you' re searching for truth you must look in the mirror and make sense of what you can see, just be..just be!

hahah these jokes pwn

"If you knew how good I am you would think I'm modest."

How true, how true

Since we' re officially now in the holiday season...

Heres my first one more on the way...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, " Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, " Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, " Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I' ve got." The bartender says, " What' ve you got?" The guy says, " 75 cents."



Joke #2
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. " What' s all the screaming about in there? You' re scaring the customers!"

" I' m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..." You idiot! You' re sitting on the mop bucket!"


JOKE#3
Mom walked into the bathroom one day & found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his penis with a toothbrush and toothpaste. " What the hell do you think you' re doing, young man!" she exclaimed. " Don' t try to stop me!" Johnny warned. " I' m gonna do this three times a day, because there' s no way I' m gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister' s."

joke #4
A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. " Dear Lord," she prays, " if I don' t get some cash, I' m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn' t win. She prays even harder, saying, " God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

" Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. " Buy a ticket."

Joke #5
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. " I hope you don' t mind," she says to the two men, " but I feel much luckier when I' m completely nude." She strips naked and rolls the dice.

As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down screams, " I WON I WON!!"

She then hugs both the dealers, picks up her money and her clothes, and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, " What did she roll, anyway?"

The other answers, " I don' t know. I thought YOU were watching."


Joke #6 I love this one
The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I' ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." " Could you jack off?" she says. " I feel like shit."


Joke#7 One of my favorites

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

" Good morning," said the young man. " If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

" F*ck off!" said the old lady. " I haven' t got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

" Don' t be too hasty!" he said. " Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. " If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

" Well," she said, " I hope you' ve got a f*cking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."


Joke #8
It was George the mailman' s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup' s bottom edge. " All of this was just too wonderful for words" , he said; " But what' s the dollar for" ? " Well" , she said, " last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; " Screw him. Give him a dollar" . " The breakfast was my idea!!"

Joke #9
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, " Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, " You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: " Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."


#10 This one is another favorite of mine
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

" What' s the matter?" he asks.

" I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

He asks: " What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"

She responds: " I can' t see my ass coming into work today."


JOKE #11 (snappy answers)
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, " I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, " I' m sorry sir. I' ll be happy to try to help you, but I' ve got to help these folks first, and I' m sure we' ll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, " DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. " May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. " We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. " F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, " I' m sorry, sir, but you' ll have to get in line for that, too."


joke #12 (snappy answer)
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow' s final exam. " Now class, I won' t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that' s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, " What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, " Well, I guess you' d have to write the exam with your other hand.


Joke #13
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, " As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you' ve wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, " Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, " Would you like to do it again?" " Oh, yes let' s," she replies! " But let' s change positions. This time, I' ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.

Joke #14
A man wakes up one morning and there' s a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there' s an ad for " Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he' ll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He' s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. " What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? " I' m going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I' m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

" What' s the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. " If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!