2006-07-12 | an open letter to michael bay...

Now that I’ve wrapped up my day of trying to get this darned game done, allow me to finally vent a little bit. Here’s a heartfelt love letter from yours truly to a certain film director…



Dear Michael Bay,

Hey there! I’ve been a long time admirer of your testosterone fueled ten ton testicle spectacles ever since I was a wee lad. I feel like we’ve been running from explosions for years now, hand in hand, jumping out of the window in slow motion at the last possible second. Ah, the memories.

I liked The Island; I was one of the thirteen people in the US who went to the theater to see it. I can appreciate what you were trying to do post Bruckheimer. Do “smart explosions;” see, it’s an action movie with Beautiful People but it’s got a *message.* (Well, I could watch Scarlett read the phone book, so my feelings are a bit cloudy.)

Michael, you need to understand that you’re dealing with an entire generation of 18-35 year old males who were raised on the concept of Badass Transforming Robots. It’s beyond a fad or some Harry Potter shit. This is in our DNA. It is in our blood. Our hearts race whenever we hear that “WWWOOOWWWW WWOWWWWW WRROWW” of a robot turning into a fucking CAR.

AND BACK!

So, today during my lunch break I happened to notice that there was numerous Transformers buzz hitting my in-box. Allegedly leaked shots of Optimus Prime in truck form.

Now, let me start by saying I’ve seen the Bumblebee ones. I understand that an effeminate Volkswagen bug just won’t translate to screen. Hey, you’ve got to change some stuff when you’re going live action, we all can’t be wearing Yellow Spandex now can we?

I can even appreciate the game that the studio is playing with “leaking” the shots and then “taking them back.” “We’ll put a shot out and then take it back and get them all hot and bothered!” (Some call it viral marketing. I call it a cocktease.)

This is Optimus Prime we’re talking about. He isn’t just the father figure to the entire Autobot community, he’s the daddy to an entire generation of men. When Ironhide was too bitchy to get shit done or Perceptor was off sucking cylinder behind the Ark who do you think stepped up and showed everyone how it was done?

Optimus Motherfucking Prime.

So allow me to express my concern when I see my childhood hero “re-envisioned” as the fucking truck from the Full Throttle Energy Drink commercial. (How much did Coke pay for that one?)

Disclaimer: Yes, I know it was based off of some later lame design that Hasbro released when they were going all plastic and shitty post Beast Wars. (It still eats a huge bowl of dicks.)

So if this is, in fact, the final design that was decided upon for our ultimate hero I have to just ask one small favor…

Please, while you’re raping my childhood in the ass, please use a little bit of lube. I’m not even asking for that silky KY sprayable window cleaner shit. I’m asking for maybe take a second away from burying my childhood’s face in the burlap pillow on the floor of the dusty barn to maybe hock up a tiny little glob of phlegm and adhere it to the tip of your baby raping schlong.

Also, since we’re on this subject, while you’re pounding away and the jets are flying overhead and explosions are going off try to not go too deep. I really don’t need my childhood having a colostomy bag attached as it tries to overcome its emotional scars.

I’m fragile, Michael. I’m terrified to go online or check my email. I have a feeling that tomorrow I’ll wake up and I’ll see Soundwave as a fucking Ipod or Prowl as a Segway. I’ll then peek back into the barn and find out that you’ve moved on from my childhood’s freshly shredded anus to the newly opened colostomy bag hole.

And that would be wrong.

So please, Michael, don’t fuck this up. Because you’re dealing with a very sensitive generation of fanboys. Put the kid gloves on.

And at least have the decency to give us a warning before you donkey punch our childhood in the back of the head.


Sincerely,


Cliff Bleszinski

ten ton testicle spectacles

ORIGINAL: Joe Redifer

No. He was the original voice of Optimus Prime, and he does a lot of movie trailer narrations now... and car commercials. Frank Welker is also rumored to be voicing Megatron.

" Who the f--k is this autobot?" LOL