Once upon a time, there was a man named Kutaragi…



“You are all little men!”

…who rode the cd and dvd wave to wild success…



“This was almost too easy! No wonder they will make me President of Sony.”

But the richest software company decided to break the console cycle by ending their system before the usual five year mark…



“HAHA KUTARAGI! We are launching before you and will get established first! And when the PS3 launches, the PS3 will be walking right into Halo 3…”

…and the third challenger arose…



“Hi guys! I have an announcement to make: we are not competing!”



“Excellent! One less competitor to worry about.”



“Haha. I see. You just want to be a niche market. Here that, boys? It is a two console race now.”

Imagine the console war as a poker game and the CEOs merely players. Their hand represents their business plan. Each card is a part of that business strategy.



“Who will go first?”



“Oh! Let me go first! I shall put down my first card: High Definition Gaming!”



“Can you bastards match that?”



“Yeah, Microsoft will match your HD Gaming card. Nintendo?”



“No, Nintendo will not. Our console will not have HD gaming.”



“What a dork console!”



“Wow, Nintendo. You guys were right when you said you weren’t competing. OK, Kutaragi, we are putting down our ace: Xbox Live. Do you have anything to counter it?”



Silence…

]

“We do! It’s Wi-Fi Connection! Not as many features, but its simple and free!”



" Shut up, Nintendo! You guys aren’t competing anyway.”



“Yes, I will counter with my own online service. Now it is time to put down the ‘Tech Specs Card’. Nintendo, you’re first.”



“Whoa. We’re never going to release our technical specs! Our Revolution is powered by Pikmen. That is the secret!”



“LOL Nintendo. What a joke you have become. We, on the other hand, have many polygons!”



“We not only have many polygons, we have rubber ducky demos as well! And look how beautiful my PS3 case is. It will be expensive. If you want one, you will have to work harder in order to get it!”



“My name is Reggie. And this console war is going to start with the liberation of Japan from Sony’s occupation through the DS.”



“But the PSP can play porn. Look how I lie in bed, with an arm around a guy as we watch our PSPs together.”



“Are those DS bedsheets? What in the world is wrong with you, Ken?”



“The PSP is perfect I tell you! Even all the buttons! Would you argue with an architect of where he places a gate? Ever since that Westerner, Stringer, a complete Sony stranger took MY job as President of Sony, I’ve realized investing my life into this company was a waste. Why didn’t I make my own company? What a fool was I!”

…and the PSP was promptly buried.



And at TGS 2005, Nintendo said…



“Wildcard!! I got a wildcard! Look guys at my fancy new controller:

1.IT' s really funny man :)
2.You have way too much spare time.
3.I' m waiting for episode 2 - I hate endings are no endings at all (god damn you halo 2) :)

“What in the world? Nintendo, have you lost your mind? There is no need for such a new controller. Dual Shock is perfectly suitable for another thirty years. Microsoft, it' s your move.”



“Does Microsoft wish it made that controller? No. Now, bitches, I shall lay down my hand. Let the Xbox 360 launch commence!”



“Solid if not spectacular. Check out Kameo' s ass and remember, it is a marathon, not a sprint!”



“LOL Xbox 1.5. Supply shortages and a flop in Japan? Xbox 360 is only going after the PS2.”



“First one to ten million wins!”



“Having problems producing your system, Microsoft? That is restricting your sales in Europe and America. You can’t even outsell the PS2! And the Xbox 360 is struggling to outsell the Gamecube in Japan.”



“Careful or I’ll throw a chair at you!”



“Nintendo is so confident, we are going to reveal our business plan. Sony and Microsoft are relying on what is called ‘sustaining technologies’. This means all their money is going into their consoles’ horse power and graphical uplift. But the jump to SD to HD creates a miniscule difference to the average consumer but skyrockets development costs and horsepower demands.

Nintendo is focusing on ‘disruptive technologies’. Instead of relying on the constants this industry has been focusing on, such as graphical upgrades and horsepower, we are putting our money into other elements of the console. Such as the controller. We are not competing against Sony and Microsoft. We are disrupting against Sony and Microsoft.”



“LOL Nintendo. Every console cycle it is the same Nintendo wish. But this time it will be different because we got to the market first! Try to Dreamcast us, Sony. Just try!”

E3 2006 rapidly drew near.



“Microsoft has already played their hand. Only you and me left, Nintendo. I shall bet three goats.”



“Three goats? I shall bet my Nintendog.”



“Hello everyone! I am still relevant! Do not pay attention to Game Informer getting the exclusive to Red Steel. You see, I actually knew all about it and played it. So, I’m not sore at all. Of course not, even though this photo of me has me being flown out to cover the new Spongebob Squarepants Revolution title. In fact, I’d prefer to cover Spongebob over Red Steel… yeah. So… I’m not bitter at all. So I am still relevant. …still relevant… I hope…”



“Hey Matt, come to the Xbox 360 page where you REALLY want to be. A graphics whore who prefers production values over gameplay should work on our page, not Nintendo’s.”

And soon, E3 2006 began…



“There have been two main sustaining technologies you have relied on, Mr. Kutaragi. You have been using the same controller and keep updating graphics. We are disrupting the controller. But the big gun is disrupting the sustaining technology of graphics.”



“Whatever Nintendo. The war is between Microsoft and Sony. You were wise to cede over the Next Generation to us. You were right to try to become the ‘second console.’”



“Who said we wanted to be the second console? No, we are going for number one. When you see the Revolution’s graphics… you WILL say ‘WOW’. Prepare for the NEW generation.”



“Wow! Look how big my PS3 has gotten! But you guys better work harder so you can afford it. With Microsoft flopping in Japan, having supply issues, and Nintendo not competing, what else is there to expect but PS3 domination?”



“We have one card left to play. It is the bomb!”



“LOL Nintendo.”



…the Revolution became unveiled…

“Spaaaannnnnnnuuuudddd!”

And Megaton hit…



“…while those who thought Nintendo had no hand to bet with had pie on their faces…”



…and the Seventh Generation Console War became much more interesting.

Yoyu gotta love ken but seriously he looks like a frog or something :P
he got a very cartoonish japanese face.



Gj majik

LOL

F***ing brilliant.

That' s the damn funniest thing I' ve seen in ages.

oh in that case check the other funny thing lately - Nintendo Revolutions new name ...Hell no I' m not gonna say it :)

Amazing stuff Majik. You should do a Flash animation to.
Honestly, how long did you work with this?

It was a collaborative effort.

We got bored during a class on the histroy of video games, so we decided to show it how gamers see it.

If i could somehow post a pic someday i would show you my photoshop i did at E3 of 05.

Aw hell, here is the link to it.
http://img272.echo.cx/img272/7431/mdf5620192uy.jpg

Kikizo hates me, first no custom avatar..now no embeded pictures.

Hahahahahaha....

I love it!

seeing as you can embed, feel free to use it.

Appreciated.

It' ll be in part 3 sometime next week.

The moment I pulled the PS3 from its protective styrofoam casing, I could already tell that I held in my trembling hands not only the most powerful and awe-inspiring games machine ever made, but the most incredibly important and cosmically significant invention of all time. It was a feeling I hadn' t experienced since that Christmas when I got my first Atari 2600.

To the naked eye, the Playstation 3 looks as one might expect a high-precision, THX-dwarfing, polygon-churning, nitro-burning funny processor would. It' s kind of, you know, metallic and shiny, with blinking lights all over it, and a lot of really cool and unique looking ports on the back.

Since i work as a gaming journalist now (after failing my games design degree), i spent weeks contacting Sony trying to get an exclusive interview with somebody, anybody about the pristine piece of technology i was so fortunate to now own. I struck gold! So without further ado, I proudly present my exclusive interview with Sony Computer Entertainment of Japan' s Head of Top Secret Super Lucky Technology, Mr. Johnny Usohappyaku.

...


Sony: Herro. Thees isa Sony Compyooter Entatainment of Japan. Ret' s talk, okay?

Me: Hello, what? Um... is this Mr. Usohappyaku? I just received a Playstation 3 in the mail, and I wanted to ask you about...

Sony: Ahh-so! You a super-rucky rucky man, you! We only senda one Praystation 3 to Engrand fora sneek preview, and you at ign.com win rottery! Congraturatons!

Me: Actually this is Maji... ign.com, yes. Hi there.

Sony: Herro?

Me: So Mr. Usohappyaku, I can' t tell you how excited I am to have this machine in my hands. I could pee myself, I really could. Would you walk me through the new features of the PS3?

Sony: Ah yes. I ama so happy to help you, Mr. Potty man. The Praystation 3 is a super advanced machine of technology. It will confuse and amaze you two times. Rooka at the back of the machine.

Me: I' ve noticed there are a few thrillingly exotic looking integrated modules on this machine that I' ve never seen on any console before. What is this first one on the left here labeled " internet?"

Sony: Whaa? Are you a stupid man? It isa internet in the port!

Me: So you mean, you can plug a phone line into it, and play multi-player games online, like with the Dreamcast and Xbox?

Sony: Dreamcast? Ha ha, funny stupid Engrish! You dishonor me with your mention of this Dreamcast. The Praystation 3 does not connect to internet, Praystation 3 CONTAIN the internet. You prugga in the computer to the port, the internet isa all there. We copy it inside machine for fast access.

Me: Wait, so you' re saying that you copied every single file on the internet into this box? That doesn' t even make any sense! The internet is a constantly changing network of millions of individual machines. How does the PS3 update its so called " internet" if it has no connections to the real network?

Sony: Thasa right. No connections. Praystation 3 get internet from outerspace.

Me: And its power?

Sony: It run on love.

Me: What about the black device on the right labeled " MOD chip!"

Sony: Aaaieee. Why do we bother to label Engrish if you are too stupid and dumb to read and understand!? It is a prug-in MOD chip.

Me: You mean that " game enhancer" that makes it possible to play illegal home-burned copies of games? I don' t get it. Why would you make it possible to pirate your own games?

Sony: You Engrish, you all are a stealing thief horde of Mongols! We thinking, if we cannot stop you to put irregal chip in machines, you just pay us for chip and we makea more money, right on. Prus, you need to pray all good games Japanese anyway.

Me: Dare I ask what the " Clapper" device built into the center is used for?

Sony: CRAP ON! *CRAP CRAP* CRAP OFF *CRAP CRAP* CRAP ON CRAP OFF, THE CRAPPER! HA HA!

Me: Ofcourse! I assume in addition to helping old women turn off their televisions in the middle of the night, the Playstation 3 will also play CDs and DVDs like its antiquated predecessor, the Playstation 2?

Sony: DVD isa old news. The Praystation 3 pray any kind of media.

Me: Well besides DVDs and CDs, what other disc based media is there?

Sony: No, risten: ARR media. Not just disc. It pray DVD, it pray VHS, Beta, it pray SyQuest, it pray record, it pray 8 track, it pray EVERYTHING! Oh an it pray Bru Way!

Me: So the PS3 is backwards compatible with all the ancient PS1 and classic PS2 titles?

Sony: Is PS1 and PS2 part of ARR MEDIA?

Me: Er... I suppose so.

Sony: Then it pray! How hard to understand is this, stupid fat man?

Me: Let' s change gears and talk about the controller for a minute. This thing really looks fully kick ass! I counted 83 buttons on the device total. Considering the average human has only ten digits, doesn' t that many inputs make gameplay almost completely impossible?

Sony: The Praystation 3 hava the most advanced controller ever made. Isa more advanced than controls for Concorde airplane! Its use require discipline and many hours of training with a master. You are young and impulsive. You are a weak germ. You are not worthy of the Praystation 3 controller.

Me: The spec sheet that came in the box claims that each controller costs in the neighborhood of 77,000 Yen. That' s 600 dollars! Isn' t that a little pricey?

Sony: Oh sure. You whine lazy Westheads. What you build for 600 American dollars? Ford Focus? Ha ha ha!

Me: Touche. This controller does seem to have a lot of... for lack of a better word... crap all over it.

Sony: Ah, yes. Thanka you. The sides Praystation 3 controller have a infa-red frashright for night time playing of the games, prus a bottle opener for opening the beers.

Me: This is one of my favorite innovations of the console so far. If only you had integrated a toilet into the base unit, I' d never leave the couch!

Sony: You no funny. Isa bad scat joke number two. You no talk now no more. You are a suck.

Me: Sorry, my bad. Please continue.

Sony: The PS3 controller also have egg of Sirry Putty and a Rubber Ducky built in.

Me: Are they meant to specially interact with a certain game, like the Samba De Amigo maracas or something?

Sony: No. They just fun. Rubber Ducky, it goes squeek!

Me: There seems to be a mini-game built onto the right wing that' s akin to the VMU on Dreamcast.

Sony: Ack! I will bury my frist of fury in your puny skull if you compare mighty PS3 to weak Dreamcast once more! Is not like VMU is better!

Me: How so?

Sony: Because it ona console that not suck, that how! Ha ha!

Me: I see. The back of the controller sports a device that I' ve never seen anything like on any console before. Tell me a little more about JUMBO CLIPTM technology.

Sony: Some machine, they make you buy extra strategy guide and memory card and game shark to use cheat code, but not a Praystation 3. We have a special input srot on controller that connect paper thin memory units to remember special codes and power ups.

Me: Well, that' s totally amazing, not to mention completely retarded. Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Usohappyaku. It' s been a pleasure talking with you. I' m going to lord this over my US peers for the upcoming months until the PS3 comes out in the States, then for another six months as they all scramble to get their understocked machines from eBay for ludicrously inflated prices.

Sony: You are a great friend and ally. I wish you much happiness with new Praystation 3. For Engrish you are not so stupid. Later jolly potato, see ya.

Am i talking to myself in here because i don' t actually mind if i am, i do kind like the sound of my own voice. Ofcourse, i' m not actually talking, i' m typing, but i can still hear myself in my head which is getting failr annoying now. Maybe i' ll talk while i' m typing and distract my subconcious for a while, that might help.

nice work nitro :)

I dont know what you were on when you wrote that last speech, but it is the funniest thing I' ve heard in ages. Right down to accent' s - made my day!

Top post!

HAHAHAHA!!! This made my day!

Absolutely hilarious. Love the picture at the end.